Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
