do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
