Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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