Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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