Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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