I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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