Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
