he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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