it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
