when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
