apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
