After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dicks are not precious.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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