I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
