Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
MIDGETS
????
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
