I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
