I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
