I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
