When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
