I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
