did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
