people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
