It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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