even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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