U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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