She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
