I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
