oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
