When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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