dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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