Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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