she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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