I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
