areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
