I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
