Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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