My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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