i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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