worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
