it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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