The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think my vagina is haunted
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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