now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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