i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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