Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
