I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
