Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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