Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
