Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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