they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
