I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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