he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Randomize
